el final

you know what? i don't wanna do this blog anymore. that's actually kinda weird for me to say because i love to write and i have never had a problem maintaining interest, motivation, or material to do them. this time... i just don't want to.

i think it's because i feel really settled these days. not happier or more focused or whatever other lovely adjective you can think of. i just feel more settled in my life and that's not something i've felt in many years. it's nice. guess i just don't wanna take a break from that, not even for 5 minutes to write a post about how i HATE when chileans see me and they automatically start speaking english to me, assuming that i'm just another loser gringo who is too lazy to learn another language. sorry, just had to insert that bit of badness before saying adieu!

standup

i've been here almost a year and a half. most of my friends are chilean and everybody in my office speaks to me in spanish, but i am still a long way from where i wanna be. i can communicate just fine, but i want more than to simply be able to communicate and interact. i want to communicate with precision. i want total fluency. 

i have found that to practice my listening skills in spanish that it's highly important to find something that i actually like. making goals like listening to the news sounds great, but will never actually happen because i despise the news. i WANT to be into the news and what's going on in the world around me. every year i make goals and every year i complete all of them but one. guess which one?

anyway, i love love love standup comedy and so i listen to alot of chilean standup comedy. in fact, i have a secret goal of doing standup comedy in spanish one day. shhhh!!! (actually, i have had a goal of doing it in english for a long time, but now that i am here, of course, i want to do it in spanish)

the other day i got to see a few of my favorite standup comedians live. i like Pedro Ruminot quite a bit. here he is talking about how badly chileans speak: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfA9ZRieNrk

surprisingly chilean comedy is very relatable even though the culture and language are different. unlike british comedy where it's the same language, but it's often thought to be an acquired taste by americans. 

sorry that was prolly boring. it's just that i love standup comedy so much that i can't help but go on and on!!!

bailando (dancing)

Yesterday I had my second salsa class. So far, I really like it.

 

I had been thinking about taking a dance class for awhile. One reason is because I’m in Latin America, not learning how to dance would just be rude! The other reason is that I’m NOT a shy person, but when it comes to dancing, I’m quite shy and it’s something I have wanted to overcome for a long time. Now that I am single, it’s winter and I’m bored, I finally have time to do it!

                                                                                                   

I actually have pretty good rhythm. I can do all the steps in time (finally, playing crappy guitar pays off!!!). And although I’m not a bull in a china closet, I’m not exactly feminine either. I have no idea what to do with my hands and I am almost certain it’s impossible for me to move my hips. In my mind, it’s like I’m trying to solve a math equation, when really, it’s something you have to FEEL. Strangely, it’s a lot like most sports I’ve done – skydiving, paragliding, rowing, whatever. The body innately knows what to do, but your brain takes over and tries to mathematize that shit, which never works. It’s only when you get so frustrated that you give up and relax and let your body take over and do its thing, that it starts to work. And after that, it’s simply a matter of repeating that thing until you don’t even have to think about it anymore.

 

The thing is… I LOVE learning. Unfortunately, I am always the kid who gets picked last for everything, but I’ve come to embrace it because there’s no better high than working my ass off and getting frustrated and then… finally getting it!!!

grabatos (swear words)

I love to swear. Love it. Love it. Love it.

 

I know it’s not very lady like, especially for someone who is 37 years old. I don’t care. I do it anyway. I try to reduce it depending on who I am with because I do find it annoying when someone swears excessively. To me, it’s a sign that a person lacks the tools to express themselves adequately so they resort to being a caveman. Blah blah blah.

 

I love to swear. It’s an art form. You can add the eff word to any word you want, but there is an art to knowing when to do it, the word that you add it to, where you put the emphasis, and of course the rest of the words that come out of your mouth.

 

It’s this love and respect for swearing that has deterred me from learning how to swear in Spanish. I wanna do it well or not at all. Sure people think it’s funny for a gringa to say ‘concha tu madre’ or ‘chucha’, but I want it come naturally without thinking. because i FEEL it. just like i feel the eff word.

 

Interesting note: Gringos tend to emphasis swear words by saying them slower than the rest of the words in a sentence, but latinos, at least Chileans, they don’t do that. So it’s funny for them when we say ‘concha tu madre’ so slow.

dating (el final)

I haven’t been writing because the charger for my laptop stopped working and I refuse to type more than one paragraph on my phone because I’m old and grumpy like that.

 

So, basically, as soon as I wrote that last post, I broke up with my boyfriend. Not because of anything cultural, but because I wasn’t in love with him. I thought I could have a relationship with someone that I liked and who I was compatible with. That that would be enough. That I didn’t have to be ‘in love’. But my brain doesn’t work like that.

 

I completely understand the repercussions, which are that I may be alone for a long time. And I’m okay with that. After having so many relationships in such a short time here, I don’t see things with the same rose colored glasses that I used to. And anyway, I have lots of practice being alone so I’m not really worried.

 

I’m not saying I’m not gonna date anyone. I’m a Gringa in Latin America, that would such a waste of opportunities, especially since everybody thinks I’m 25! I’m just saying that I can’t move to the meaningful relationship stage with someone if I am not in love with them. Obviously, they would have to be in love with me too cause that would just be weird.

dating (pololeando)

they have this thing here. it-s called pololeando. yes, it-s just as awkward to pronounce as it looks. anyway, it-s where a dude (normally) asks the girl if she wants to pololear, which is basically 'will you be my boyfriend'. 

it-s just that when you-re almost 40 and some dude is asking to be your boyfriend. it-s kinda weird. it-s very junior high-ish. just thinking about the word 'boyfriend' make me physically cringe.

after thinking about for a long time though, it makes sense to ask someone this even if you are almost 40. it just means 'hey, i like you so much that i wanna hang out with you every minute of every day and fuck the shit out of you as much as possible'. the closest word we have for that is boyfriend and even then, not only does it NOT mean that, it means totally different things to different people. in chile, when someone asks you to pololear, there is no mistaking what that involves. 

maybe if we had a special word to describe adult relationships, it wouldn-t seem so weird. but alas, we seem to be forever stuck with boyfriend so we must continue to wade in the 'what are we?' pool that we all love so dearly.

and, yes, i am pololeando :P

dating (independiente)

in the U.S., we value our independence. not only as individuals, but also part of a couple. in fact, we view couples who spend ALOT time together as co-dependent and weird. it’s totally the opposite in Latin America. if you don’t spend every waking minute with that person or thinking about that person, you clearly do not view this person as a potential mate.

the thing is... i need alot of alone time. not only am i a gringo, but i-m an introverted gringo, which means i need shit ton of time alone, more so than the average american and for latinos it can seem like i don-t like the other person. it really has nothing to do with not wanting to be with the other person. it-s a basic function of my operating system.

and when you are not with the other person, they want to know EVERYTHING you did i your time part. how did you sleep - how many hours, did you dream, do you feel rested, will you need a nap later? did you have a good morning - were you busy, what did you accomplish, was your boss in the office? how many times did you go to the bathroom yesterday?

ok, I made that last one up, but I am expecting it any day now. seriously, they want to know EVERYTHING. for gringos, it’s quite tedious. we do not want or need this level of detail from ANYONE, especially not early in a relationship, but it’s a vital part of bonding here.

i can totally see how it would be a good thing to be so nosy. you can learn a lot just by asking simple questions instead of waiting until there are problems to ask questions. that being said, it’s not my culture so when someone is asking me soooo many questions, it doesn’t feel like a relationship so much as a doctor’s visit.

guatero

i’m taking a break from talking about dating to talk about something waaaaay more awesome!!! el guatero. it’s a  rubber thingy that you fill with hot water and it keeps you warm for hours. i have no idea how to un-awkward that description. oops!

i first saw my roommate using one and she was like ‘this thing is super old school. nobody uses them cause everybody has electric blankets, but i simply cannot part with my guatero’. i had to admit that it seemed a bit archaic, but i was intrigued at it-s power of her.

then, one day, i was complaining to my boyfriend about how his apartment is always like an icebox. i will literally be wearing a parka while he has on short sleeves - guess it doesn-t matter what country you live in, some things are the same. anyway, one day when i was being especially whiny when all of a sudden he whipped out a guatero!

i fell madly in love with that thing. nowdays i sit at work and dream about heating up my guaterito (little guatero) y snuggling with it all night long! oh, how i love thee guatero!

p.s. i would never use a guatero en the united states because we have central heating. in chile, energy is a scarce resource hence the use of gas heaters and guateros.

dating (consejos)

for awhile, i felt like something was wrong with me because everybody here was always giving me all these 'tips' for self-improvement. all i could think was, jeez, i have either rapidly deterioriated into the most unworthy human being ever or i have no ability whatsoever to choose quality friends. however, it turns out that, in fact, tip giving is a way of showing that you care for someone in latinamerica. it shows that you are thinking about the other person and care about their well-being. ummm, i guess?

often the tips are simple like: jennifer, you shouldn-t eat your nails. if you can-t control that, then what can you control? usually, i just nod and then feel like shit.

sometimes the tips can be pretty intense like why don-t you get better job and buy a car. i-m still not over that one.

for a gringo, what we hear is... what am i? a child? you don-t trust me to be able to recognize my own faults and self-correct them. it-s not that we can-t take constructive criticism (although, we are pretty bad at it), it-s just we are a very individualistic society and that-s none of your fucking business... even if we are fucking.

at first i would be upset for days and days when i would get these 'tips', but nowdays, i try to remind myself what it means in this culture and not to get my feelings hurt, but... i can assure that you will not catch me giving my friends 'tips'!

dating (confianza)

it takes time to build trust when you-re starting a new relationship. it-s not a given. it-s something you earn. with time. at least, that-s how we see it in the u.s. it-s not that we distrust people. it-s just we don-t like to rush into relationships. we like to take our time.

gringo version of a relationship:
the first 1 - 2 months is like the application submission and review stage. your application has been received and is being reviewed. if it is accepted, your application will be promoted to the research phase. this means that you will be exclusive with that person, but you are still under review to determine compatibility. this stage usually lasts 2 - 4 months. if you pass this stage, then we feel that we 'know' you, we trust you.

how gringos feel about the latino version:
when you guys put it all out there right away, it feels forced. not genuine. we feel like something is wrong with you. why are you giving away something that is precious - your trust - for free. you are treating it like candy. giving it away to anyone who will take it.

latino version of a relationship:
you meet someone. you like them. you show them this with affection and trust. otherwise, they think you are not interested. if that goes okay, then you start pololeando (more on this in another post). basically, it means you are exclusive AND you have accepted the trust that was shown to you.

how latinos feel about the gringo version:
this whole 'getting to know someone' process is really arbitrary and seems to go on forever. it-s confusing. how do you when you know someone? and how do you get there? yeah, try explaining that one to a latino. it-s not easy.

conclusion:
it-s just like the affection thing. there is no right or wrong. no better or worse. it-s a matter of communication. it-s hard because sometimes you don-t necesarily know WHAT you feel or WHY because it-s so innate and you-ve never had to confront a situation where you have to explain it someone.

even though it-s hard. and sometimes it-s really fucking hard... once you start getting the hang of it, it can be really fun. cause things that are easy, are usually boring. the interesting stuff happens when you are challenged and you-re frustrated and pissed off. that-s what i think anyway.

documentos

welp. my visa is gonna expire in a  few weeks, which means, i gots-ta git my shit together to renew it. i will be applying for permanent residency. it-s not as permanent as it sounds. it just means i don-t have to renew my visa every year. now i can do it every 5 years. it-s all very lovely except that as per usual, i have waited til the very last minute to do it.

i cannot wait for the all lines, confusion, stress and frustration that will be caused when i have to call today to find out what kind of visa i need.

i HATE the phone. it-s still really hard for me. although it-s getting better... yesterday, i had a concall with one of the developers and he was telling me about some issue a client was having and at the end of the call, i thought... holy shit, i just had a conversation where somebody explained to me that i have to write a requirements document for a SQL query that will erase the cache so that the system detects a change resulting in an automatic re-synchronization between our system and the target BPM. insert a bunch of more crap about modules, functions and other computer shit.

and i toooootally understood it... nevermind that a requirements document for a SQL query is retarded. hehehe.

of course, 10 minutes later the cafeteria lady asked me some question and i had no clue what she said to me. i don-t care though. those 10 minutes were pretty kick ass!

dating (carino)

latin lover. you think you want one. that is... until you get one. and then you are like 'what the fuck have i just done'. that-s what happened to me anyway.

at first it was awesome. i was showered with all kinds of physical and verbal affection. it was bliss. until... one day. all of a sudden. without warning. it started to freak me the fuck out.

it was too much. it was overwhelming. and stressful. that someone that barely knew me was so intense about me. i liked him and stuff, but it seemed like he was on this whole other page... in a whole other book. i felt like i was reading sweet valley high books while he was reading 'how to marry a gringa in less than a month'.

we were in the middle of a road trip when it hit me that i was overwhelmed. so i did the most obvious thing possible. i freaked out and announced that i wasn-t ready for a relationship.

[insert many awkward moments over the following days that i will not repeat in order to save some dignity].

when we got back and i had a chance to calm down, i splained that in my culture when someone acts like they like you alot... it-s scary and weird.

being liked is scary? wtf? yes, i get it. that sounds pathetic when you say it out loud. it-s just that americans are more conservative. we-re more subtle and reserved in communicating our feelings. we are not very direct. we rely alot more on verbal and nonverbal clues. i never even realized that until i got here. i will explain this in more detail in another post.

anyway, there is no right or wrong. it-s a matter of having patience and communicating. that-s not easy.

p.d. i had planned to include some commentary written by a friend, but then i did not have time to include it. maybe another time.

dating (intro)

dating. it's hard. nobody likes doing it. everybody likes complaining about it. i-m gonna do a one-up and say that i have it harder than most people...

i-m doing it in a foreign country, in another language, in a totally different culture. beat THAT!

my first couple of relationship attempts were nothing less than excruciatingly painful. nowdays things are alot better. i have a boyfriend who is really nice and has a retarded amount of patience with me. language is generally not an issue, but sometimes he will inform me that what i have said is rude. almost always, it-s a cultural thing (people here think it-s rude to say xyz, but in the u.s. it-s okay).

but still, it isn-t easy. you don-t realize how many things are NOT universal til you move to foreign country and then it really hits home when you start dating, cause probably... you-re spending ALOT of freaking time together.

the thing is, alot of times, the other person-s point of view makes total sense and sometimes you even think... wow, my culture got this totally wrong. we should be doing it like THAT. but that doesn-t mean that you can internalize it.

it-s funny... i hadn-t thought about writing about dating until a friend of mine recently contacted me for dating advice. he is latino, living in the u.s. and dating a gringa. and he was like 'what the fuck is happening. i am so confused.' it's the first time i-ve had a chance to talk to someone in the same shoes as me, but from the exact opposite perspective. i feel like i-m finally starting to understand. not just to identify and observe the differences, but to understand them.

so i-m gonna write a set of posts addressing some very specific issues about dating in a latin country and he is gonna write from the exact opposite perspective.

i-m excited! i think it-s gonna be super fun!

mapas

some days i do really good with spanish. in fact, i would even go so far as to say that i rock the shit out of it. then the next day, you could ask me my name and i would be stumped. seriously, it-s super extreme like that sometimes.

but that-s how learning is because you have to do that thing a zillion times before you encounter every single variation and then you have to encounter each variation another zillion times before you can recognize it and assimilate it. and i-m talkin about some basic shit here...

let-s say everyday you walk into the office and you exchange hello's with the secretary. and let-s that she always asks you 'how are you?'. everyday, without fail. then one day she asks you 'how-s it going?'.

and you think... WTF did she just say to me???! dude, i thought i had the whole greeting thing down. i was ready to move on to solving world peace.

it-s simple stuff like that that can really trip you up. even something as simple as saying 'how-s it goin' (dropping the g in going) can sound totally different to a non-native speaker.

but as all this is happening, your brain is creating all these pathways. and at first, nothing connects, you-ve just got a bunch of dirt roads that seem to go nowhere. then slowly the dirt roads start connecting such that you can get from your house to the driveway, then one day you can get from the driveway to the grocery store. and it starts building such that one day you realize that somehow you got to somewhere that you-d never been before, but you didn-t need a map or GPS. your brain knew how to get there because it had enough information based on past experience that it could draw some conclusions.

it-s kinda cool how the brain the works like that. i-m reaching a point where i can almost see those connections happening!

anyway, i know all that is kinda boring. so to make up for it, i-m gonna start a series of posts about dating in a foreign country cause who doesn-t like to talk (in painstaking detail) about the trials and tribulations of dating and then add doing it in another country! 

rapidisimo

i have a theory about why spanish speakers talk so fast...

dude, there-s like a gazillion syllables in all their words. it-s not uncommon to find words with 7 or more syllables. they gotta talk fast if they want to cram the same amount of information in the same amount of time as english speakers.

i often ask myself... 7 syllables in one word? is that really necessary? i-m a fan of all things efficient and that just seems like a waste to me.

p.s. i-m not saying that english doesn-t have words with 7 or more syllables  i-m just sayin that on average, we ain-t got that many.

orgasmos

the thing is... when you learn a new language, you often lose your personality. at least in the beginning. you can-t say what you wanna say HOW you wanna say it.

humans have a great need to be understood. it-s easy to forget that until you plop yourself into another culture and another language and your hopes and dreams are reduced to 'i funny in english. one day i do standup-comedy'.

and it-s more than just having the vocabulary. it-s about having the expressions that we don-t realize we rely on to fully express what we-re feeling. adjectives are often flat and we need a richer form of expression. cause you can say 'i-m so mad right now', but what does that really mean? on the other hand if you say 'i-m about to go postal on your ass'. the recipient knows exactly where you-re at.

then of course, it-s about how you construct a sentence. the word order, the word selection and i-m not talking about grammar either. all that stuff that feels innate is totally lost.

it-s rough as shit. lots of shame and frustration involved, which is my specialty. anybody wanna trade?

but then something magical happens and you finally start to understand and communicate with a little more depth. and then when you start being able to slip in some of the local expressions, THAT is like double orgasm. you slowly start to get your personality back.

these days, i do really well one on one or even with 2 people, but groups still give me trouble. usually, i can follow, but i can-t think quickly enough to respond. that-s okay, i-m happy to wait for the double orgasm moments!

hola. soy gringa. vivo en chile.

hmmm... trying to decide if i should do this blog in english or spanish. given that the people most likely to read this will be my family and friends in the u.s., i-ll go with english. i feel bad about doing that though. i feel like i should use this as a learning tool and do it in spanish. but who the eff is gonna read some shitty-ass spanish by a gringa? definitely not my chilean friends. and anyway, don-t they already suffer enough having to listen to me?

so yeah, hola. soy gringa. vivo en chile. i moved here to learn spanish cause i was bored in the u.s. i-ve been here about a year and nowdays my spanish is pretty okay. prolly i should be fluent and stuff, but i-m not. i spend alot of time wanting to cry from shame and frustration, but even if you take spanish out of the equation, that-s a good description of my life.

anyway, i-m gonna try to keep my posts relatively short, but that will be a challenge as i often regard emails to my friends as essays worthy to be read aloud on NPR.

ok, that-s all i got for now. chao chao! besitos! hasta pronto!

p.s. sorry about the hyphens for apostrophes. switching from my latin keyboard at work to my u.s. keyboard at night causes my fingers to freak out.