dating (consejos)

for awhile, i felt like something was wrong with me because everybody here was always giving me all these 'tips' for self-improvement. all i could think was, jeez, i have either rapidly deterioriated into the most unworthy human being ever or i have no ability whatsoever to choose quality friends. however, it turns out that, in fact, tip giving is a way of showing that you care for someone in latinamerica. it shows that you are thinking about the other person and care about their well-being. ummm, i guess?

often the tips are simple like: jennifer, you shouldn-t eat your nails. if you can-t control that, then what can you control? usually, i just nod and then feel like shit.

sometimes the tips can be pretty intense like why don-t you get better job and buy a car. i-m still not over that one.

for a gringo, what we hear is... what am i? a child? you don-t trust me to be able to recognize my own faults and self-correct them. it-s not that we can-t take constructive criticism (although, we are pretty bad at it), it-s just we are a very individualistic society and that-s none of your fucking business... even if we are fucking.

at first i would be upset for days and days when i would get these 'tips', but nowdays, i try to remind myself what it means in this culture and not to get my feelings hurt, but... i can assure that you will not catch me giving my friends 'tips'!

dating (confianza)

it takes time to build trust when you-re starting a new relationship. it-s not a given. it-s something you earn. with time. at least, that-s how we see it in the u.s. it-s not that we distrust people. it-s just we don-t like to rush into relationships. we like to take our time.

gringo version of a relationship:
the first 1 - 2 months is like the application submission and review stage. your application has been received and is being reviewed. if it is accepted, your application will be promoted to the research phase. this means that you will be exclusive with that person, but you are still under review to determine compatibility. this stage usually lasts 2 - 4 months. if you pass this stage, then we feel that we 'know' you, we trust you.

how gringos feel about the latino version:
when you guys put it all out there right away, it feels forced. not genuine. we feel like something is wrong with you. why are you giving away something that is precious - your trust - for free. you are treating it like candy. giving it away to anyone who will take it.

latino version of a relationship:
you meet someone. you like them. you show them this with affection and trust. otherwise, they think you are not interested. if that goes okay, then you start pololeando (more on this in another post). basically, it means you are exclusive AND you have accepted the trust that was shown to you.

how latinos feel about the gringo version:
this whole 'getting to know someone' process is really arbitrary and seems to go on forever. it-s confusing. how do you when you know someone? and how do you get there? yeah, try explaining that one to a latino. it-s not easy.

conclusion:
it-s just like the affection thing. there is no right or wrong. no better or worse. it-s a matter of communication. it-s hard because sometimes you don-t necesarily know WHAT you feel or WHY because it-s so innate and you-ve never had to confront a situation where you have to explain it someone.

even though it-s hard. and sometimes it-s really fucking hard... once you start getting the hang of it, it can be really fun. cause things that are easy, are usually boring. the interesting stuff happens when you are challenged and you-re frustrated and pissed off. that-s what i think anyway.

documentos

welp. my visa is gonna expire in a  few weeks, which means, i gots-ta git my shit together to renew it. i will be applying for permanent residency. it-s not as permanent as it sounds. it just means i don-t have to renew my visa every year. now i can do it every 5 years. it-s all very lovely except that as per usual, i have waited til the very last minute to do it.

i cannot wait for the all lines, confusion, stress and frustration that will be caused when i have to call today to find out what kind of visa i need.

i HATE the phone. it-s still really hard for me. although it-s getting better... yesterday, i had a concall with one of the developers and he was telling me about some issue a client was having and at the end of the call, i thought... holy shit, i just had a conversation where somebody explained to me that i have to write a requirements document for a SQL query that will erase the cache so that the system detects a change resulting in an automatic re-synchronization between our system and the target BPM. insert a bunch of more crap about modules, functions and other computer shit.

and i toooootally understood it... nevermind that a requirements document for a SQL query is retarded. hehehe.

of course, 10 minutes later the cafeteria lady asked me some question and i had no clue what she said to me. i don-t care though. those 10 minutes were pretty kick ass!

dating (carino)

latin lover. you think you want one. that is... until you get one. and then you are like 'what the fuck have i just done'. that-s what happened to me anyway.

at first it was awesome. i was showered with all kinds of physical and verbal affection. it was bliss. until... one day. all of a sudden. without warning. it started to freak me the fuck out.

it was too much. it was overwhelming. and stressful. that someone that barely knew me was so intense about me. i liked him and stuff, but it seemed like he was on this whole other page... in a whole other book. i felt like i was reading sweet valley high books while he was reading 'how to marry a gringa in less than a month'.

we were in the middle of a road trip when it hit me that i was overwhelmed. so i did the most obvious thing possible. i freaked out and announced that i wasn-t ready for a relationship.

[insert many awkward moments over the following days that i will not repeat in order to save some dignity].

when we got back and i had a chance to calm down, i splained that in my culture when someone acts like they like you alot... it-s scary and weird.

being liked is scary? wtf? yes, i get it. that sounds pathetic when you say it out loud. it-s just that americans are more conservative. we-re more subtle and reserved in communicating our feelings. we are not very direct. we rely alot more on verbal and nonverbal clues. i never even realized that until i got here. i will explain this in more detail in another post.

anyway, there is no right or wrong. it-s a matter of having patience and communicating. that-s not easy.

p.d. i had planned to include some commentary written by a friend, but then i did not have time to include it. maybe another time.

dating (intro)

dating. it's hard. nobody likes doing it. everybody likes complaining about it. i-m gonna do a one-up and say that i have it harder than most people...

i-m doing it in a foreign country, in another language, in a totally different culture. beat THAT!

my first couple of relationship attempts were nothing less than excruciatingly painful. nowdays things are alot better. i have a boyfriend who is really nice and has a retarded amount of patience with me. language is generally not an issue, but sometimes he will inform me that what i have said is rude. almost always, it-s a cultural thing (people here think it-s rude to say xyz, but in the u.s. it-s okay).

but still, it isn-t easy. you don-t realize how many things are NOT universal til you move to foreign country and then it really hits home when you start dating, cause probably... you-re spending ALOT of freaking time together.

the thing is, alot of times, the other person-s point of view makes total sense and sometimes you even think... wow, my culture got this totally wrong. we should be doing it like THAT. but that doesn-t mean that you can internalize it.

it-s funny... i hadn-t thought about writing about dating until a friend of mine recently contacted me for dating advice. he is latino, living in the u.s. and dating a gringa. and he was like 'what the fuck is happening. i am so confused.' it's the first time i-ve had a chance to talk to someone in the same shoes as me, but from the exact opposite perspective. i feel like i-m finally starting to understand. not just to identify and observe the differences, but to understand them.

so i-m gonna write a set of posts addressing some very specific issues about dating in a latin country and he is gonna write from the exact opposite perspective.

i-m excited! i think it-s gonna be super fun!

mapas

some days i do really good with spanish. in fact, i would even go so far as to say that i rock the shit out of it. then the next day, you could ask me my name and i would be stumped. seriously, it-s super extreme like that sometimes.

but that-s how learning is because you have to do that thing a zillion times before you encounter every single variation and then you have to encounter each variation another zillion times before you can recognize it and assimilate it. and i-m talkin about some basic shit here...

let-s say everyday you walk into the office and you exchange hello's with the secretary. and let-s that she always asks you 'how are you?'. everyday, without fail. then one day she asks you 'how-s it going?'.

and you think... WTF did she just say to me???! dude, i thought i had the whole greeting thing down. i was ready to move on to solving world peace.

it-s simple stuff like that that can really trip you up. even something as simple as saying 'how-s it goin' (dropping the g in going) can sound totally different to a non-native speaker.

but as all this is happening, your brain is creating all these pathways. and at first, nothing connects, you-ve just got a bunch of dirt roads that seem to go nowhere. then slowly the dirt roads start connecting such that you can get from your house to the driveway, then one day you can get from the driveway to the grocery store. and it starts building such that one day you realize that somehow you got to somewhere that you-d never been before, but you didn-t need a map or GPS. your brain knew how to get there because it had enough information based on past experience that it could draw some conclusions.

it-s kinda cool how the brain the works like that. i-m reaching a point where i can almost see those connections happening!

anyway, i know all that is kinda boring. so to make up for it, i-m gonna start a series of posts about dating in a foreign country cause who doesn-t like to talk (in painstaking detail) about the trials and tribulations of dating and then add doing it in another country! 

rapidisimo

i have a theory about why spanish speakers talk so fast...

dude, there-s like a gazillion syllables in all their words. it-s not uncommon to find words with 7 or more syllables. they gotta talk fast if they want to cram the same amount of information in the same amount of time as english speakers.

i often ask myself... 7 syllables in one word? is that really necessary? i-m a fan of all things efficient and that just seems like a waste to me.

p.s. i-m not saying that english doesn-t have words with 7 or more syllables  i-m just sayin that on average, we ain-t got that many.

orgasmos

the thing is... when you learn a new language, you often lose your personality. at least in the beginning. you can-t say what you wanna say HOW you wanna say it.

humans have a great need to be understood. it-s easy to forget that until you plop yourself into another culture and another language and your hopes and dreams are reduced to 'i funny in english. one day i do standup-comedy'.

and it-s more than just having the vocabulary. it-s about having the expressions that we don-t realize we rely on to fully express what we-re feeling. adjectives are often flat and we need a richer form of expression. cause you can say 'i-m so mad right now', but what does that really mean? on the other hand if you say 'i-m about to go postal on your ass'. the recipient knows exactly where you-re at.

then of course, it-s about how you construct a sentence. the word order, the word selection and i-m not talking about grammar either. all that stuff that feels innate is totally lost.

it-s rough as shit. lots of shame and frustration involved, which is my specialty. anybody wanna trade?

but then something magical happens and you finally start to understand and communicate with a little more depth. and then when you start being able to slip in some of the local expressions, THAT is like double orgasm. you slowly start to get your personality back.

these days, i do really well one on one or even with 2 people, but groups still give me trouble. usually, i can follow, but i can-t think quickly enough to respond. that-s okay, i-m happy to wait for the double orgasm moments!