el final

you know what? i don't wanna do this blog anymore. that's actually kinda weird for me to say because i love to write and i have never had a problem maintaining interest, motivation, or material to do them. this time... i just don't want to.

i think it's because i feel really settled these days. not happier or more focused or whatever other lovely adjective you can think of. i just feel more settled in my life and that's not something i've felt in many years. it's nice. guess i just don't wanna take a break from that, not even for 5 minutes to write a post about how i HATE when chileans see me and they automatically start speaking english to me, assuming that i'm just another loser gringo who is too lazy to learn another language. sorry, just had to insert that bit of badness before saying adieu!

standup

i've been here almost a year and a half. most of my friends are chilean and everybody in my office speaks to me in spanish, but i am still a long way from where i wanna be. i can communicate just fine, but i want more than to simply be able to communicate and interact. i want to communicate with precision. i want total fluency. 

i have found that to practice my listening skills in spanish that it's highly important to find something that i actually like. making goals like listening to the news sounds great, but will never actually happen because i despise the news. i WANT to be into the news and what's going on in the world around me. every year i make goals and every year i complete all of them but one. guess which one?

anyway, i love love love standup comedy and so i listen to alot of chilean standup comedy. in fact, i have a secret goal of doing standup comedy in spanish one day. shhhh!!! (actually, i have had a goal of doing it in english for a long time, but now that i am here, of course, i want to do it in spanish)

the other day i got to see a few of my favorite standup comedians live. i like Pedro Ruminot quite a bit. here he is talking about how badly chileans speak: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfA9ZRieNrk

surprisingly chilean comedy is very relatable even though the culture and language are different. unlike british comedy where it's the same language, but it's often thought to be an acquired taste by americans. 

sorry that was prolly boring. it's just that i love standup comedy so much that i can't help but go on and on!!!

bailando (dancing)

Yesterday I had my second salsa class. So far, I really like it.

 

I had been thinking about taking a dance class for awhile. One reason is because I’m in Latin America, not learning how to dance would just be rude! The other reason is that I’m NOT a shy person, but when it comes to dancing, I’m quite shy and it’s something I have wanted to overcome for a long time. Now that I am single, it’s winter and I’m bored, I finally have time to do it!

                                                                                                   

I actually have pretty good rhythm. I can do all the steps in time (finally, playing crappy guitar pays off!!!). And although I’m not a bull in a china closet, I’m not exactly feminine either. I have no idea what to do with my hands and I am almost certain it’s impossible for me to move my hips. In my mind, it’s like I’m trying to solve a math equation, when really, it’s something you have to FEEL. Strangely, it’s a lot like most sports I’ve done – skydiving, paragliding, rowing, whatever. The body innately knows what to do, but your brain takes over and tries to mathematize that shit, which never works. It’s only when you get so frustrated that you give up and relax and let your body take over and do its thing, that it starts to work. And after that, it’s simply a matter of repeating that thing until you don’t even have to think about it anymore.

 

The thing is… I LOVE learning. Unfortunately, I am always the kid who gets picked last for everything, but I’ve come to embrace it because there’s no better high than working my ass off and getting frustrated and then… finally getting it!!!

grabatos (swear words)

I love to swear. Love it. Love it. Love it.

 

I know it’s not very lady like, especially for someone who is 37 years old. I don’t care. I do it anyway. I try to reduce it depending on who I am with because I do find it annoying when someone swears excessively. To me, it’s a sign that a person lacks the tools to express themselves adequately so they resort to being a caveman. Blah blah blah.

 

I love to swear. It’s an art form. You can add the eff word to any word you want, but there is an art to knowing when to do it, the word that you add it to, where you put the emphasis, and of course the rest of the words that come out of your mouth.

 

It’s this love and respect for swearing that has deterred me from learning how to swear in Spanish. I wanna do it well or not at all. Sure people think it’s funny for a gringa to say ‘concha tu madre’ or ‘chucha’, but I want it come naturally without thinking. because i FEEL it. just like i feel the eff word.

 

Interesting note: Gringos tend to emphasis swear words by saying them slower than the rest of the words in a sentence, but latinos, at least Chileans, they don’t do that. So it’s funny for them when we say ‘concha tu madre’ so slow.

dating (el final)

I haven’t been writing because the charger for my laptop stopped working and I refuse to type more than one paragraph on my phone because I’m old and grumpy like that.

 

So, basically, as soon as I wrote that last post, I broke up with my boyfriend. Not because of anything cultural, but because I wasn’t in love with him. I thought I could have a relationship with someone that I liked and who I was compatible with. That that would be enough. That I didn’t have to be ‘in love’. But my brain doesn’t work like that.

 

I completely understand the repercussions, which are that I may be alone for a long time. And I’m okay with that. After having so many relationships in such a short time here, I don’t see things with the same rose colored glasses that I used to. And anyway, I have lots of practice being alone so I’m not really worried.

 

I’m not saying I’m not gonna date anyone. I’m a Gringa in Latin America, that would such a waste of opportunities, especially since everybody thinks I’m 25! I’m just saying that I can’t move to the meaningful relationship stage with someone if I am not in love with them. Obviously, they would have to be in love with me too cause that would just be weird.

dating (pololeando)

they have this thing here. it-s called pololeando. yes, it-s just as awkward to pronounce as it looks. anyway, it-s where a dude (normally) asks the girl if she wants to pololear, which is basically 'will you be my boyfriend'. 

it-s just that when you-re almost 40 and some dude is asking to be your boyfriend. it-s kinda weird. it-s very junior high-ish. just thinking about the word 'boyfriend' make me physically cringe.

after thinking about for a long time though, it makes sense to ask someone this even if you are almost 40. it just means 'hey, i like you so much that i wanna hang out with you every minute of every day and fuck the shit out of you as much as possible'. the closest word we have for that is boyfriend and even then, not only does it NOT mean that, it means totally different things to different people. in chile, when someone asks you to pololear, there is no mistaking what that involves. 

maybe if we had a special word to describe adult relationships, it wouldn-t seem so weird. but alas, we seem to be forever stuck with boyfriend so we must continue to wade in the 'what are we?' pool that we all love so dearly.

and, yes, i am pololeando :P

dating (independiente)

in the U.S., we value our independence. not only as individuals, but also part of a couple. in fact, we view couples who spend ALOT time together as co-dependent and weird. it’s totally the opposite in Latin America. if you don’t spend every waking minute with that person or thinking about that person, you clearly do not view this person as a potential mate.

the thing is... i need alot of alone time. not only am i a gringo, but i-m an introverted gringo, which means i need shit ton of time alone, more so than the average american and for latinos it can seem like i don-t like the other person. it really has nothing to do with not wanting to be with the other person. it-s a basic function of my operating system.

and when you are not with the other person, they want to know EVERYTHING you did i your time part. how did you sleep - how many hours, did you dream, do you feel rested, will you need a nap later? did you have a good morning - were you busy, what did you accomplish, was your boss in the office? how many times did you go to the bathroom yesterday?

ok, I made that last one up, but I am expecting it any day now. seriously, they want to know EVERYTHING. for gringos, it’s quite tedious. we do not want or need this level of detail from ANYONE, especially not early in a relationship, but it’s a vital part of bonding here.

i can totally see how it would be a good thing to be so nosy. you can learn a lot just by asking simple questions instead of waiting until there are problems to ask questions. that being said, it’s not my culture so when someone is asking me soooo many questions, it doesn’t feel like a relationship so much as a doctor’s visit.